Dear Prof Jim, see most recent letter, enclosed.
-Tony
64 Avenue Rd, flat B Highgate London N6 5th November, 1994
Dear Tony,
Your penis is rather unusual.
(You say that you admire my propensity for transmogrifying any rejection I receive into confirmation of what I have always known, that I am in fact rather unique. It is therefore unlikely that I would use the word unusual, and in reference to your penis, to convey a sense of unease).
Unlikely, but not impossible.
When I turn the light on in your kitchen cockroaches seethe from all surfaces. Crowds of cockroaches should live in warm climes. Yet here they are in your kitchen scampering about au natural, in the London winter. As you know, I am a pragmatic person. Superstition being anathema to me, when in the dead of night I enter the kitchen of the Canadian with the unusual penis - you’re the only Canadian I’ve ever slept with and I don’t know if your Canadian-ness plays a role here - and hear the cockroaches seething into the recesses, I must ferret out a practical explanation. What with keeping the radiators on full blast and the London damp, it seems you’ve created a breeding ground.
Please explain your preference for keeping the flat quite so hot. You say it’s because you aren’t used to the cold and you like walking around naked. I’ve an almanac here, and I’ve just looked up the average winter temperatures on Prince Edward Island. Apparently, colder than London.
Expecting to find one significant digit scrawled on his scalp 3 times, my friend Lolly searched her boyfriend Lars’ sleeping hairline for a diabolical tattoo. I told her not to be ridiculous, that it was all highly unlikely, particularly with Lars being Norwegian. Whatever confusion between them led to this, it probably has more to do with cultural differences than anything of a supernatural nature. When faced with Lolly’s tendency to go overboard, please note my measured response.
I’m only raising these concerns because I like you. Very very much. I’ve tried to break it off three times, but when I see you, I fold.
You have asked me to be direct about my reservations:
Last night when you played “I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got” by Sinead O’Connor. You sang along and I didn’t believe you.
You frequently quote Chaucer, particularly in reference to bottoms
You are extremely practiced, giving little thought to your own pleasure
You say your family hail from Sicily, originally. This may be true. You look it.
You ask me questions and listen when I respond
Your voice is mesmeric
You look deeply into my eyes as if I am the only person in the world
You talk about souls, a meeting of souls, every time I see you
There are no mirrors in your house, not even in the bathroom
I know I’ve said this already, but you have an unusual penis. Very unusual.
I don’t think we should see each other again.
lots of love, xoxo
S
Prof - Last time we spoke, you suggested I tone myself down. Lower my voice, focus on asking questions. I took your advice and here’s the result. Should I take anything she’s saying here at face value? Maybe I went too far in hiding all the mirrors? I don’t remember why you said I should do this. I sent her the following response today before thinking I should check with you first. Please advise. -T
8th November, 1994
writing this at the cafe at Leicester Sq
Dearest,
You don’t mean it. Please see me again.
I’m not a great singer, I guess!
What’s not to love about Chaucer? Or bottoms?
Why thank you! (but seriously, your pleasure or mine, they’re not separate)
Sicilian what can I say?
I like listening to you
As you know, I’ve been working on my voice
When you’re in the room, you are the only person present which is about the same as in the world
I tend to the more esoteric bent I guess
I don’t need mirrors when eyes are the windows of the soul
Why thank you!
Re: not being used to the cold, I’m used to colder temperatures than these. What I’m not used to is breezy sash windows and old radiators. Can we talk about this over dinner this Saturday? The usual Italian, WC1.
XO - Tony
10th November, 1994
Dearest Boy,
I can see that you’ve followed my instructions to the letter. Rest assured! In my professional opinion, the girl’s underlying fixation with the diabolic, points to growing fascination rather than repulsion. I confess I am intrigued by the personal attribute she specifically references (thrice)! You have been so open with me, dear Tony. I shall be sitting at the small table near the door. You may introduce me to her as a family friend, somewhere between the hors d’oveuvres and the main course. After which, follow my lead!
Yours most sincerely,
Professor J Templeton (Jim)
Dear S,
I have to put this in your cubby again because time sensitive. Don’t worry, no one saw me. I’ve made a big mistake. Do NOT meet me at the Italian. I will come to your house at 5 today. There is something I have to tell you.
XO -T
64 Avenue Rd, flat B Highgate London N6 5th January, 1995
Dear Lolly,
I imagine it’s very cold there at this time of year. How do you manage the long dark days? Spending a lot of time in bed with Lars I don’t doubt and how I envy you. Not about Lars, just about the being in bed etc, with someone.
Vis a vis Tony: he responded well to my letter, at least so I thought, and asked me to meet him at a little Italian near Goodge Street. I waited for an hour, no avail. I haven’t seen him since, not at college, not anywhere. One of the professors said he’d transferred to Leeds.
My last letter to him was not well judged, I think. Full of verbosities. He must have taken it pretty badly to go running off North in winter! He has no family here in the UK. I hoped he’d come back for Christmas.
I still think of him. Probably always will.
There is little else to recount. The winter drags on in the usual London way. Onwards and upwards as my mum used to say! Looking forward to seeing you in March. With any luck there’ll be actual signs of Spring to welcome you.
Much love,
S xo
P.S. Please bring me those sweets I like. Swedish Fish?
A note about this piece:
This was sparked by a writing exercise from
in her 4 week workshop Strange Containers: Flash, Hermits & Other Oddities. Workshops such as hers are unbelievably helpful in shaking the status quo. All I can ever know from the experience of writing is that if I feel uneasy, something new is happening. Thanks again Jeannine!
I enjoyed this departure from the norm. It was fun, creative, and I think you created a very believable and whole character.
wow, i love this